Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Expectations

ex·pect : verb \ik-╦łspekt\ :
3. to be pregnant : await the birth of one's child
4. a :  to consider probable or certain 
    b : to consider reasonable, due, or necessary
I am learning with this pregnancy to have very low or no expectations. From what I have seen this is a fairly uncommon thing, but very early on my expectations were pretty crushed.  I hate that some of my expectations never came to fruition, but they didn't and I am learning to live with them.

I had the expectation that I would get morning sickness, but not the crazy kind that I had.
I had the expectation that with morning sickness it would go away by week 12, but it didn't.
I had the expectation that I would get the cute baby bump, but I haven't at 33 weeks.
I had the expectation that I was going to get cute ultrasound pictures, but Bug hasn't cooperated.
I had the expectation that my body would be ok during all this, but it hasn't.
I had the expectation that I would be comfortable with myself and my body, that hasn't happened yet.
I had the expectation that I would feel totally thrilled about all this, but I haven't.

Not having these expectations met fairly early on has lead me to having to just go with a lot of things.  In some ways this has been nice, but in others it has made things challenging for me.

On the nice side there isn't a lot of planning I can do for most things.  I don't have a written birth plan, because it seems fairly futile at this point, but we have made a small list of preferences that we are hoping to have the OB agree to.   I don't expect anything to be hard or easy, but it will be what it is supposed to be.  I don't have any set expectations of when Bug is going to arrive.  I still feel like he is going to be early, but I am not going to be surprised if he decides to come later.  We don't have a name 100% nailed down, but we do have one 95% +/- 5% nailed down.  There is something mildly relaxing mentally about not having any concrete expectations.  Having a lack of expectations (public and to self) means we don't have to deal with as much guilt as we could have.  

On the challenging side I want to plan.  I want to have some control, but it isn't going to happen.  I feel weird talking to people about things that we can't do anything about.  I want to talk about somethings, but I don't want to have to explain the whole situation.  This has lead to some painful and shameful moments.  I don't like feeling flaky when I talk about breastfeeding or childbirth.  I have started to avoid mentioning my thoughts on them.  I am nervous and I want to talk about them, but I feel awkward about the whole thing.

I have struggled to not have expectations of the birth that aren't positive.  I have struggled with keeping away negative afterbirth expectations.  I have struggled with negative physical expectations - like my body not stopping the crazy pain it has now.  I have struggled against negative expectations of exhaustion.  I have really struggled with the negative expectations of my emotions. 

Having struggled and fought with negative and unmet expectations has lead AJ and I both to have fairly low expectations from this point on.  We have been preparing for the worst in almost all cases, especially the areas we can control.  We have made all kinds of pre-made food, we have talked about where we stand on lots of issues, and we have worked to keep things simple.  We have come to the conclusion that our motto until Bug gets home safe and sound is, "We are going to do whatever it takes to keep me and him safe and healthy."  After we get home we have the motto of, "We will try it until it doesn't work for us, then we will try something else."  This way we can work towards what we desire, but if it fails we know that we tried, and we are not allowing guilt about failing to enter into things.   

There is no failing as long as all three of us are healthy, safe, and being loved.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

31 Weeks



Bug has hit 31 weeks!  It is an odd number to celebrate, but I have been waiting to hear back on a couple of test and we finally got the results.  So, it has been a fun couple of days of numbers.

Bug's age: 31 weeks
Bug's weight: ~3.3lbs
Bug's length: ~16 inches
Bug's renal pelvis dilation: 9 (up from 5), but still in the mild dilation catagory
Number of current anatomy scans: 3 + 1 that we still need to do
Good pictures to show from all of anatomy scans: 0

My glucose test results: 94
My weight gain: 17 lbs
My inches gained: ~17
Times I have been told "Oh, I just thought you were fat.": 2
Times I have been told it is a girl based on how carrying: 1

Pediatricians interviewed: 2
Possible pediatrician choices: 1
Pediatricians left to interview: 1
Anesthesia classes taken: 1
Possibility of wanting an epidural now: REALLY low
Week in Hypnobabies: 4
Times Hypnobabies calming techniques have already worked: 3
Times Hypnobabies pain relief techniques have already worked: 1

It has been fun getting some of the numbers, but others not so much.  I know we are starting to enter the home stretch now.  I am considering starting a pool on when people think Bug might actually come.  I know it seems early to think about that, but I am having this really strong feeling this little boy isn't going to stay in for the full 40 weeks.  It isn't a bad feeling I am having, just a strong one.  I personally didn't stay in anywhere close to 40 weeks, and I think AJ was a bit early (not by nearly as much though).  I know this shouldn't be a predictor, but I still can't help thinking about it. I also know that he will come when he is ready to, and nothing I can really do will make that faster or slower.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream...


 "To sleep, perchance to dream-ay, there's the rub." - Hamlet (III, i, 65-68)

Sleep has been a lacking commodity in my world for the last week or so.  I have been trying really hard to get sleep, but it hasn't wanted to happen.  The joint pain has been really bad and I just can't fall asleep.  I wish I could blame it on Bug, but honestly it isn't really a baby problem. He isn't that wiggly at night, which I am thankful for because it means that when I do fall asleep I am not be awoken by kicks in the stomach or lungs.

I have never been a great sleeper, but this last week has been horrible!  The OB gave me something to try to help me sleep and it has about a 50/50 chance of working, the same as Tylenol PM.  So, I have been alternating which one I try at night.  Some nights they help me fall asleep, but I never stay asleep longer than three hours.  The time change yesterday didn't help anything either!  It means that my body is protesting me trying to go to bed at a "normal" hour.  Going to bed when my body says to has lead to me staying in bed way later than I mentally desire.

The last couple of days I have had a hard time dragging myself out of bed by 11:00 AM.  This isn't normal for me at all, and it is really bugging me.  The really bad part is that I am not sleeping in that late, I am just laying there.  I have found that my joints don't hurt as bad in the morning when I am laying in bed, but as soon as I get up and start moving around on them they start getting painful again.  I enjoy those couple of hours of a mild "twilight" state that things aren't hurting yet.

I haven't been able to get any good naps in either. I just kind of drift, or if I do fall asleep it has been for really short periods of time.  I am used to sleeping for about 90 minutes in a nap time and not waking up until the full time is over.  Lately, I have been sleeping for about 15 minutes and waking up and then fighting to go back to sleep.  I know most people consider 15 minutes a nap, but sleeping for that short of time makes me really groggy and grouchy.  I need a full sleep cycle to reset myself.  

I know I need to be getting all the sleep and rest that I can before Bug makes his way into the world, but it hasn't been an easy task lately.  I have been really jealous of AJ's ability to just crash and be out like a light.  He makes it look so easy.  He has been really understanding of the lack of sleep though, and has put up with me puttering around the bedroom at all hours of the night.  Last night I was getting back in bed about the time his alarm was going off, and it was one of the only times he has sort of woken up.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get some good sleep?  Keep in mind I have already tried all the standard options - calming down, no tv, reading a dull book, no caffeine, calming music, a snack...