Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wrong Way

I decided to take a break from the "Battle of the Bulge" this week.  I have had a couple of rough weeks physically and mentally.  I have had a weight gain.  I don't know if it is a water gain or a true weight gain.  I still can't wear my wedding rings, and some of the clothes I was fitting back into are slightly tighter again. 

I need motivation to get back on track.  I need to want to exercise.  I need to want to track my food.  I just don't know how to get back to where I was.  I want to lose the rest of the weight.  I was making good progress, but now it is just stalled.

We have been trying to get pregnant, and so far we aren't.  It is really depressing me.  I have never hated getting a period so badly in my life.  It has made me not really care about a lot.  It is weird, in some ways I have wanted more control in certain areas of life, but in others I don't care.  I know I am turning back to food for comfort, but I don't want to do that.

I haven't had a desire to cook lately.  I haven't had a strong desire to eat either, but I have been eating things I don't care about or just grazing.  Neither is what I should be doing.  I haven't been productive on much of anything else, either.  I make my normal to-do list, ones that I should be able to get done in one of my days off, will take a week or longer.  I have wanted to just curl up in a ball on the couch lately, well when I am not sleeping or fighting a crazy bad headache.

I just want to get back on track.  I don't know how though.  I keep telling myself I am going to wake up the next morning and be "back to normal".  I wake up and I don't want to get up, or I let myself sleep.  Then I walk out and see the house in chaos, and think if I just ignore it then it will go away.  I know the house isn't that big of a wreck - we are making progress on the garage, and some things are in the house so AJ could build shelves in the garage, we are making piles of things to take back to people, and the laundry needs to be put away - but it is a mess to me right now.  The only thing I seem to be good at lately is getting rid of clutter, and taking things down to get rid of or at least store until I know what I want to do with them.

I know this is really rambly, but it is what is going on in my head right now.  I am hoping that if I can get it out, then I can start working on fixing it.  I don't know how to get my motivation back, and any thoughts or ideas on that would be really helpful! 

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