Tuesday, July 10, 2007

?

I don't think I am ever going to get proper sleep again. Between getting woken up last night and my huge inability to control my emotions I think sleep is furthest dream possible. Today just ramped up my stress level by a whole new factor.

My car had to be taken to the dealership to figure out why the key would not come out of the ignition switch. Apparently two things were wrong and I am not sure I get all of it other than it is going to cost me about $300. When I called my daddy to tell him he seemed indifferent to everything. Kinda like it is your problem you handle it. I didn't want him to make it all better, but more that he loved me and he knew I would be able to take care of it all and that he was behind me. I got none of the above. I was trying hard not to break down crying in the dealership and I succeeded for the most part. So instead it got shoved down in that box deep down inside of me that knows I am a failure and is fed by stress.

Then add that to the massive feeling of rejection I had tonight. The more I need certain things the less I am comfortable asking for them. I felt turned away, and thus pulled away. It hurt and made me want to curl up, so I tried to. Then I gave into just reading since that was my only option because I wasn't going to cry again this week, at least not with anyone else there.

So now all the hurt, the pain, the stress, the wants, the desires, and the self-loathing are all trying to come out at once. Thinking I am in over my head on so many things and not sure of where I stand still. So I am hoping the tears will stop at some point and I will be able to sleep.

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