Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Happiest News I Have Had In My Life... So Far

I am engaged! I am still kind of in a shocked daze about it, but I am fairly sure it is real. I am so in love with AJ and I have been for so long. I never knew what this really felt like before. It is a quiet peaceful feeling. A sense of happiness that washes over me when I am around him or even thinking about him. It is a safeness that I have never known from someone not in my family.

I don't know where this road is going to lead and I am still nervous about that, but not about the person I am walking along the road with. I know deep down that he is truthful about never leaving me, that he does love me, and that all of what has happened so far is nothing but the tip of the iceberg.

I think it is funny that people keep asking me about the ring and if I have spent a lot of time looking at it. Not really. I guess I am just odd that the ring is important, but I would much rather spend that time looking at and holding my AJ. When I do look at the ring it is more like seeing the promise and the commitment behind it than actually seeing the ring. I want him... that is what I have always wanted.

AJ has been so used by God to redeem so many things that it just doesn't seem real or possible. So many things that I thought were lost to bad memories have been redefined and turned into such amazingly happy and loving memories. I know that there are still lots of things to go, but I can see God's handiwork in all of them so I know it is going to be ok.

AJ has so many things in him that I have desired in a potential spouse for so long the fact that they are really all in one person just dumbfounds me. I have a nerd who respects the fact that I am one too and doesn't see it as a bad thing at all. Someone who has my desire for a family and a closeness to friends.

Like I said... I am still in shock and having AJ walk up and hug me and tell me he has waited for so long to be able to hold me close as his fiance is just beyond all comprehension. I think I have never really gotten used to the fact that he wants to date me, let alone actually marry me. It has been a almost like a dream the whole dating thing... Now I have to get used to this getting married idea. Yeah, don't read that in a negative light, it is just a little overwhelming at the moment. I can't wait on it to happen though. To have a husband that loves me and truly wants to be by my side for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

?

I don't think I am ever going to get proper sleep again. Between getting woken up last night and my huge inability to control my emotions I think sleep is furthest dream possible. Today just ramped up my stress level by a whole new factor.

My car had to be taken to the dealership to figure out why the key would not come out of the ignition switch. Apparently two things were wrong and I am not sure I get all of it other than it is going to cost me about $300. When I called my daddy to tell him he seemed indifferent to everything. Kinda like it is your problem you handle it. I didn't want him to make it all better, but more that he loved me and he knew I would be able to take care of it all and that he was behind me. I got none of the above. I was trying hard not to break down crying in the dealership and I succeeded for the most part. So instead it got shoved down in that box deep down inside of me that knows I am a failure and is fed by stress.

Then add that to the massive feeling of rejection I had tonight. The more I need certain things the less I am comfortable asking for them. I felt turned away, and thus pulled away. It hurt and made me want to curl up, so I tried to. Then I gave into just reading since that was my only option because I wasn't going to cry again this week, at least not with anyone else there.

So now all the hurt, the pain, the stress, the wants, the desires, and the self-loathing are all trying to come out at once. Thinking I am in over my head on so many things and not sure of where I stand still. So I am hoping the tears will stop at some point and I will be able to sleep.