Patience, I need patience. Certain things are driving me nuts. The person I most want to talk to about stuff I can't talk to. I am back in that phase of being where I am really and honestly not supposed to even think of certain things. It is the same type feeling I had in December, except about 10 times worse. I know where my heart is, where ever that boy is. The only differences between December and now are that the feelings are a whole lot stronger and I know that he wants to have my heart. I am hoping that him being gone for a week and change will help those feelings, but I doubt it. It is probably going to make me have to bite my tongue a lot harder. I have never had rules in a relationship... well I had them, but the other person didn't have any. I am trying to follow the ones that we have because I want to and because that is what he wants. How am I not supposed to think things though? How am I not supposed to feel? How can my heart not feel what it feels and hope for what it hopes for? His hugs make me feel the safest I have felt in a long long time, and the way he looks into my eyes makes me feel so special. I hope that is what he is trying to convey, because otherwise this is going to hurt a lot. I am trying to be good. Trying to keep from not thinking that this might go on, trying to not think that I want event 1 and 2 to happen, and trying not to feel what I feel. I am not allowed to do any of those, or at least I don't think I am supposed to. It hurts and it is hard and it makes me want to cry knowing that I am failing. I have no person to talk to about these things. God hears about it all the time. He has to be the one to grant it all, but I wouldn't mind if He would turn down the thoughts and emotions a bit or at least grant me the peace to not beat myself up over thinking and hoping and feeling.
I just plain need patience, and maybe a release valve.