Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Patience, I need Patience

Patience, I need patience. Certain things are driving me nuts. The person I most want to talk to about stuff I can't talk to. I am back in that phase of being where I am really and honestly not supposed to even think of certain things. It is the same type feeling I had in December, except about 10 times worse. I know where my heart is, where ever that boy is. The only differences between December and now are that the feelings are a whole lot stronger and I know that he wants to have my heart. I am hoping that him being gone for a week and change will help those feelings, but I doubt it. It is probably going to make me have to bite my tongue a lot harder. I have never had rules in a relationship... well I had them, but the other person didn't have any. I am trying to follow the ones that we have because I want to and because that is what he wants. How am I not supposed to think things though? How am I not supposed to feel? How can my heart not feel what it feels and hope for what it hopes for? His hugs make me feel the safest I have felt in a long long time, and the way he looks into my eyes makes me feel so special. I hope that is what he is trying to convey, because otherwise this is going to hurt a lot. I am trying to be good. Trying to keep from not thinking that this might go on, trying to not think that I want event 1 and 2 to happen, and trying not to feel what I feel. I am not allowed to do any of those, or at least I don't think I am supposed to. It hurts and it is hard and it makes me want to cry knowing that I am failing. I have no person to talk to about these things. God hears about it all the time. He has to be the one to grant it all, but I wouldn't mind if He would turn down the thoughts and emotions a bit or at least grant me the peace to not beat myself up over thinking and hoping and feeling.

I just plain need patience, and maybe a release valve.

3 comments:

usacomp2k3 said...

Thanks for talking :-)

Maethoriel said...

It's not wrong to feel, especially because of how different this relationship is from anything you've ever had. It's just harder because to me it seems like this relationship is everything you wanted, so that makes it so much harder. I am here if you want to come over and vent or have me come over there and vent. I don't mind in the least. I will try to be as helpful as I can.

I also think AJ needs to buy you a stuffed monkey for when he runs away for long periods of time.

dax248 said...

Thanks. Yeah, this relationship is everything I wanted and so much more. It is more than I could have ever asked for or dreamed of. Thank you so much for being there. I appreciate your friendship so much.