Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Patience, I need Patience

Patience, I need patience. Certain things are driving me nuts. The person I most want to talk to about stuff I can't talk to. I am back in that phase of being where I am really and honestly not supposed to even think of certain things. It is the same type feeling I had in December, except about 10 times worse. I know where my heart is, where ever that boy is. The only differences between December and now are that the feelings are a whole lot stronger and I know that he wants to have my heart. I am hoping that him being gone for a week and change will help those feelings, but I doubt it. It is probably going to make me have to bite my tongue a lot harder. I have never had rules in a relationship... well I had them, but the other person didn't have any. I am trying to follow the ones that we have because I want to and because that is what he wants. How am I not supposed to think things though? How am I not supposed to feel? How can my heart not feel what it feels and hope for what it hopes for? His hugs make me feel the safest I have felt in a long long time, and the way he looks into my eyes makes me feel so special. I hope that is what he is trying to convey, because otherwise this is going to hurt a lot. I am trying to be good. Trying to keep from not thinking that this might go on, trying to not think that I want event 1 and 2 to happen, and trying not to feel what I feel. I am not allowed to do any of those, or at least I don't think I am supposed to. It hurts and it is hard and it makes me want to cry knowing that I am failing. I have no person to talk to about these things. God hears about it all the time. He has to be the one to grant it all, but I wouldn't mind if He would turn down the thoughts and emotions a bit or at least grant me the peace to not beat myself up over thinking and hoping and feeling.

I just plain need patience, and maybe a release valve.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Stupid Dreams. Why can't I just sleep?

I just had the weirdest dream I have had in a while. I am going to try to get as much of it down as I can before it all fades away. It is the closest to waking up crying I have been in a long time.

It starts off in a place like Universal, kinda like the Lost Continent, but not exactly perfect. It is closing time, but I get to stay with a couple of friends and spend the night up in the second floor area above the main drag. There is a sleeping area up there. For some reason it is Kelly, Stine, and I that are there together. We run around and goof off for a while, and then I get tired. So I go to curl up in one of the bed thingys provided, and Stine goes to curl up in one of the concession cart things downstairs. Kelly goes with her and the proceeds to wander around the area. I can see all of what is going on because I am laying next to the window. As Kelly wanders to close to one of the stores the doors open and "half robot/ half people" walk out. They were not metal and mechanical people, just kinda robot like in there movement and actions. They start cleaning and for some reason chase Kelly back up stairs. Stine stays sleeping on the cart. So Kelly comes back up to the sleepy area and two guys follow her. One promptly gets in the next bed like compartment on the floor and says he didn't know this place was there and is going to go to sleep until his shift is over or starts (don't remember). The other gets in the bed thing behind my bed thing (they were kinda like seats on a school bus, or at least lined up like that with the divider wall between them). He is in kind of a Dragons uniform, he smiles and starts talking about the uniforms colors and all. That smile just melted my heart. Somehow Kelly, the guy, and I decided to go up to the third story and wander around. We get upstairs and it is like a wedding reception/ sleepover. Everyone is in their pjs and very tired/ winding down. The guy with the smile changes into AJ (not a hard stretch to imagine). I know that we are dating in the dream, but he keeps ignoring me and won't touch me (hand holding or even incidental contact). He is mad at me I think. So I follow him around this place confused. Finally he sits down in a chair close to this stage thing. I ask him what is wrong and he sings some twisted version of this:

That's as close as I'll get to loving you
Even though there's nothing else I'd rather do
I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know
That's as close as I'll get to loving you

That's as close as I'll get to loving you
Even though there's nothing else I'd rather do
I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know
That's as close as I'll get to loving you

That's as close as I'll get to
Yeah that's as close as I'll get to
That's as close as I'll get to loving you.

Except it involved a lot of the line, "Nothing hurts as bad as loving you." When he was done he glared at me and put his hand on my arm. He left it there for a second and then pulled away. Then he lowered his face to eye level and snarled, "where is my contact?" When I looked up into his face it wasn't my AJ, it was my ex with his hair pulled back and a half scruffy/ half prickly beard. He had the most hated look I have ever received on his face. It was the most afraid I have ever been. I knew I had no choice but to pet him, so I touched his cheek and rubbed his neck. Then I slunk of to cry in a corner. That is when I woke up. I still want to cry, actually I think I am.

It hurt. It feels like I have had sandpaper rubbed all over my heart. It is the first time in a long time that I had been confronted with a demand for affection that I didn't want to give. But I knew I had no option in the matter. Though it seemed like I had a choice there really wasn't one. I don't know what would have happened had I not done what I did, but there was no question in my mind it would have been bad. It is by far something I never want to feel again. I don't like my affection and love being taken from me. I have discovered I like giving them of my own free will. It makes me feel loved when they are returned in the same manner.

I think the thing that scared me the most was the evolution from having fun with my friends and the guy with the melting smile to the quiet coldness of the room and the harshness of the snarl. Because the dream really did shift from bright happiness in colors and feels to very cold dreary colors and a frigid feeling.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Run away.

I feel crappy. I don't know what is going on. I feel left out and just kinda blah. I want to run away. I don't know where to go, but I want to. AHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Friday, June 1, 2007


I like the fact my beer personality matches my favorite one. :)

You Are Guinness

You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.

Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.

When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well.

But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.