Friday, May 4, 2007

Drowning in a Sea of Anarchy

I have used that title before, but I like it and well when you stumble upon something that works you go with it.

I feel like I am drowning and suffocating all at the same time. I can't breath. I need something to hurt/help. That makes no sense. I hurt therefore I want something to hurt more to take the pain away. "Bleed just to know you are alive."

How many thoughts and feelings can you have in a second? How many battles can those thoughts and feelings rage in that brief moment? Fear, anger, desire, shame, scared, torn, and the list goes on, but those were the most dominate and they won out. Then the ultimate shame of having hit and lashed out and not dealt with it all and been able to suppress it all. How much worse have I seen, felt, and dealt with? This was nothing. Clearly I am getting soft. I can't express it. My heart breaks with the shame. And I am not going to have time to grovel and go into submissive mode to try and fix it and make it right before offended person is leaving.

There is so much crap going on in my head. I just have a general feeling of suckiness about me. Demons that I thought I had beaten are coming back. I can't help it. I have prayed and I have fought it and I am falling. I can't tell AJ all the stuff that is in my head. He would think I am truly insane. All of my childhood insecurities are rising up again. I feel like I can't get a break lately. AJ is about the only really good/ great thing that has happened in my life since the start of the year. Everything else seems to be a swirling mass of blah or worse.

The job hunt is really getting to me. I feel like I am failing. It is hard to not snap at people at work when they make jokes about having me pull the fire alarm and that getting fired is a part of it. They know I have been fired, or more politely... position closed due to lack of funding. Which I know is the truth, but how do I nicely say to them, "Oh grow up, i will be leaving as soon as I can find a job. And don't pretend that you don't know what is going on."

I don't want any more nightmares. I want to be held and petted for awhile. I want to fall asleep safe. I want. I guess that is the downfall. I want. I don't get what I want. I should be happy to get what I do. It is enough, it is more than enough. It is far more than I have ever gotten before, therefore it should far and away surpass everything.

My world is turning upside down. How in the world am I going to live with another person in my house? Lauren isn't the problem as a person, it is the fact that she is another human. In my space. That frightens me. It is stupid too. I shouldn't be terrified of another person living with me. I want to live up to what she expects me to be. I want to live up to what everyone expects, but I am falling so short.

I want to run away. It hurts. I don't know what to do. I don't think a table and a blankie would help. I want to be around people, but I don't. I don't want to go to work. I want to hide.

1 comment:

usacomp2k3 said...

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Deuteronomy 20:4 "For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Romans 8:28-39 " 28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."