Tuesday, May 29, 2007

*hurump*

Why do I feel this way? I think it has something to do with the dreams. I think more of it is from my fears, my own insecurities. Grrrr!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Vader evolved into a Devotional

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/05/21/health/webmd/main2832453.shtml?source=RSSattr=Health_2832453

Darth Vader's Psyche: What Went Wrong?


(WebMD) Anakin Skywalker, the Star Wars character who became Darth Vader, had borderline personality disorder, psychiatrists report.

The news comes not from a galaxy far, far away, but from San Diego, where the American Psychiatric Association (APA) is holding its 160th annual meeting.

Experts from the psychiatric department at France's University Hospital of Toulouse told the APA's annual meeting that Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader could "clearly" be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness marked by instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior, according to background information on the Web site of the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

The French psychiatrists — who included Laurent Schmitt, M.D. — based their diagnosis on original Star Wars film scripts.

Schmitt's team describes Skywalker's symptoms, including problems with controlling anger and impulsivity, temporary stress-related paranoia, "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (when trying to save his wife at all costs), and a pattern of unstable and intense personal relationships," including his relationships with his Jedi masters.

Changing his name and turning into "Darth Vader" is a red flag of Skywalker's disturbed identity, note Schmitt and colleagues.

The researchers aren't suggesting that real people with borderline personality disorder are Darth Vaders-in-the-making. Skywalker's symptoms are an extreme, fictional case.

Borderline personality disorder can be treated through psychotherapy and with medication. But that wasn't part of Skywalker's script.

By Miranda Hitti
Reviewed by Louise Chang, M.D.
© 2007, WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.


This article made me want to go take a test to see if I was borderline, just for giggles.

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Moderate
Schizoid:Low
Schizotypal:Moderate
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:High
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:Moderate
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --




It looks like I might be borderline and potentially ocd. Hmmm.


I don't think I fall into the borderline category as much as I might have in the past. I used to be a lot worse. There was a time that I could say I probably needed help, and well I got it. I also had God's grace and His Holy Spirit working to take care of those things.

Ok, I think this is funny... I wrote the above stuff and then opened my email to read my devotional. I hadn't posted this yet, but I was planning on coming back to it after the devotional. Guess what the title of today's devotional is?

FEELING ALONE

How funny. See that makes me think God has a sense of humor.

Prophets and kings from the Bible, pastors and
missionaries throughout history, regular Christians
today, have experienced times of feeling alone,
times when it seems like no one else is seeking
after God, times when their work appears fruitless.

In seasons like these, it is essential to remember
that we cannot always rely on how we feel or how
things appear. Truth is independent of our emotional
state and our limited perspective. Reality is often very
different than we perceive it.

I think in context of the personality issues this is something to remember. "We cannot always rely on how we feel or how things appear." What great wisdom. Just because something looks yucky today doesn't mean it is going to be bad tomorrow. I think that should be my mindset frequently... "Truth is independent of our emotional state and our limited perspective."

Questions: When have you felt alone in your faith?
What can you do to regain a broader perspective?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Pi = Love

While goofing off at work I found this. I thought it was appropriate considering who I am dating and smitten by:





Your Love Quote



Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Day 3

Day 3

EXCUSES!

It's just the way I am. I can't help it. I'm a worrier by
nature. I'm too old to change.

Do any of those phrases sound familiar to you? Do you
find yourself excusing your tendency to worry or your
lack of discipline? Unfortunately we have too often
allowed ourselves the Privilege of Excuse to mask
areas in our lives which need change or improvement.


I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from you
I am the king of excuses
Ive got one for every selfish thing I do

Whats going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

The disease of self runs through my blood
Its a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, whats going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicionshat I’m still a man in need of a savior

- DC Talk


I identify so much with this song. I am good at excuses. I have gotten better, but they are easy to fall into. I can justify almost anything in my head to allow me to feel ok and to do what I want to do. My heart doesn't fall for it most of the time and that then leads to a battle for who is going to win. I wish I could say my heart wins out most of the time, but it doesn't. I am not even sure that it is 50-50.

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Trust in God" (John 14:1).
When Jesus uses the words "let not," He is telling us
that we have the power of choice. We need not be victims of
our personalities or human tendencies or backgrounds. The
road to victory is rocky and uphill, but God gives us
the pattern for that victory: Do not be anxious about
everything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace
of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard
your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:6-8).

I am not even sure I can put into words my thoughts about this. After the breakdown I had yesterday about just the current chaos of my life I am needing this more than ever. I think part of it was that I was trying to be strong on my own, I was not letting my strength and courage come from God, but from my own self. Again, not good. I am glad God gives us the choice, that we don't have to fall into the traps of our own selves. I try not to, and with what is going on I am scared of disappointing God in so many ways. I don't want to take the one He doesn't want me in, I want to be able to do His will, and I want to be happy with the choice.

This was a shorter one today. I am really tired and want to go take a nap somewhere, but I am at work... hmmm.... the desk is starting to look comfy about now.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Day 2

Day 2

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the
Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold
on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:16--22).


Everything needs to be offered up in prayer. The good, the bad, the ugly. Even blogger when it is making you want to put your foot through the screen. I forget that a lot. That everything is from God and it needs to be given back up to him. The things that hurt, are painful, are dreary and drudgery are all things that I need to be joyful in. I think part of the problem I have with that is that it is so contrary to my human nature. How can anything that is painful be joyful? Then I think of all the things that hurt that have a good ending... Heartbreak, child birth, life in general. Without the pain how would I grow? Nothing can stay the same and change can not happen in a static environment.

I was talking to someone about my job situation the other day and they brought up the point that change has to occur. I agreed with them. They used the example of a "lover", that "we just need to change them up every once in a while and a job is a lot like that." I couldn't disagree more on the example they used, but I have to agree on the needing to change things up a bit. That is what today's devotional is all about. The changes that need to be made in my prayer life. It seems like God is really talking to me in this area, but then again I have been slacking on it.

I came to a hard realization last night. I am trying to rely on my own self to bring a peace and a calm that I can not give to me. Silly as it may seem, I think that I can force myself to calm down at night and that that will make me have a good nights sleep. I am still having a hard time fighting that notion because the last few nights I have been passing out and staying asleep until the alarm goes off. To counter that though I have been extremely exhausted. I have/ had gotten out of the habit of praying right before I went to sleep. I don't know when that happened, but it has been in the last couple of weeks... Actually it started when the pain in my side started.

DIDN'T Finish today.

Silliness

Kelly posted this on myspace. I thought it was fun, so I had a go. It amused me (because that is so hard to do :) )


M: makes datin fun

O: Has one of the best personalities ever

L: BEST SMILE

L: BEST SMILE

Y: Loved by everybody

S: Lives life for fun

T: great kisser

R: good bf/gf

I: loves to laugh

C: Really easy to fall in love with

K: Really silly

L: BEST SMILE

A: Gorgeous

N: Great in bed

D: Is a freak





******************************

A: Gorgeous
B: Loves people
C: Really easy to fall in love with
D: Is a freak
E: Freakin Beautiful eyes
F: People wild and crazy adore you
G: Never let people tell you what to do
H: Easy to fall in love with
I: loves to laugh
J: makes people laugh
K: Really silly
L: BEST SMILE
M: makes datin fun
N: Great in bed
I: loves to laugh
O: Has one of the best personalities ever
P: Popular with all types of people
Q: A hypocrite
R: good bf/gf
S: Lives life for fun
T: great kisser
U: gets blamed for everything
V: Not judgmental
W: Very broad minded
X: Never let people tell you what to do
Y: Loved by everybody
z: Lives for fun

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Day 1- A New Start

I started a new devotional today. My goal is to try and get my thoughts and feelings centered on where they should be. I am hoping that using an e-devotional and an e-journal will help. So on with the show.

We don't intend for it to happen but somehow a
passiveness creeps into our busy Christian's lives.
We do ministry, we pray on the run, we read
when we get a minute, we encourage where we can,
we drop our tithe in the offering...and we slip
into a passive relationship with Jesus. We begin
to expect Him to do the job of drawing near to us.

Wow. Yeah. I know that I slip into that more often than not. Unfortunately, that is NOT what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to seek Him and draw close to Him. Not wait on Him to draw me in by entertaining me or grabbing my attention. God grabbing my attention generally isn't the way I want to go about things, because in the past it has hurt and well honestly it was good for me, but not exactly pleasant. As my mommy would say, "I got a knot snatched in my tail." It hurts, don't want to do that again. I would much rather my relationship with Him be a true seeking. One full of desire and love on my part. A wanting to spend time with my loving God. Not an attention grabbing effort on His or my part. I don't want to seek Him to gain approval from others. And in case anyone who might read this thinks that is what I am doing here, well you are wrong. I could care less if anyone reads my devotionals. This is my time to reflect on myself and my relationship with my God. I guess part of it is the desire that if people want to hold me accountable they can by reading this. They will know where I stand and if it is falling then correct me on it.

God makes a promise: "Draw near to God and He will
draw near to you" (James 4:8). What do you need to
do today, this week, to actively choose your
relationship with Jesus over the many important
and busy tasks that call for your attention? He longs
to bring freshness to your soul!

What do I need to do? I need to work at spending time with God on every level. I think my plan for this is to:
  1. start doing this devotional - Week 1
  2. start reading my Bible before bed (it isn't going to be a lot, but a start) - Week 1
  3. set aside my prayer time - Week 1
  4. work on the devotional AJ and I are doing together.
  5. start reading my Bible before bed (more in length) - Week 2 or 3
  6. continue goal 3 - Week 3 on
  7. continue on goal 4 - Week 3 on

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

My Deliverer

Oasis- Petra

You give me water in a dry and thirsty land
You satisfy my hunger
Yo feed me from your hand
I was a wanderer in the wildnerness
Until I stumbled on your oasis

And I will stay here with you
Here in the shade, here in the cool
You keep me safe through the night in your oasis

You give your spirit
To a dry and thirsty heart
You satisfy my longing
I hear the voice of God

I was a wanderer in my emptiness
Until you brought me near your oasis

And I will stay here with you
Here in the shade, here in the cool
You keep me safe through the night in your oasis

And I will drink from your well
I find my peace here in your shelter
And I will stay here with you in your oasis



My Deliverer - Rich Mullins

Joseph took his wife and her child and they went to Africa
To escape the rage of a deadly king
There along the banks of the Nile,
Jesus listened to the song
That the captive children used to sing
They were singin'
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by

Through a dry and thirsty land, water from the Kenyon heights
Pours itself out of Lake Sangra's broken heart
There in the Sahara winds Jesus heard the whole world cry
For the healing that would flow from His own scars
The world was singing
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
He will never break His promise - He has written it upon the sky

My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
I will never doubt His promise though I doubt my heart, I doubt my eyes
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
He will never break His promise
though the stars should break faith with the sky
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming.

The Prodigal's Song- Petra

I'm only happy when I'm with you
And living life the way you show me
Whenever I'm apart, I grow a colder heart
I only feign my love for you

And if a day goes by without speaking
I love like I don't really need you
But in my heart I find I recognize the lie
My every breath I draw from you

And I still find you true, pulling me back to you

To you I will run
The prodigal son
Coming back home again to you
Open your arms
And into your heart
I'm folded in love again with you

And every moment that I've wasted
Chasing after my own dreaming
I know you will forgive and wipe away the tears
For all the lonely foolish years

And I will try to be true, living each day with you

All that I am
And all that I have
And all I can be
Is found in you



I forget that my Deliverer is standing by. I often forget that He is standing there waiting on me to call upon Him, to let Him be my all. I forget that He is wanting to be my strength and my shield, that all I have to do is turn to Him. He is my water, my life, my salvation. He will never abandon me, no matter how many times I start to turn my back on Him. He is there for me, He is mine and I am HIS!

I have been the prodigal son lately. Not intentionally turning my back on God, but more of a slow revolving away from Him. I have been trying to handle things on my own, and not exactly failing, but by far not doing a good job of juggling them. I know that isn't right and it isn't healthy, but it happened. I don't want it to happen, but occasionally it does. I am human, I forget, I fail, I struggle.

The lyrics to the Prodigal Son song hit home. I am colder when I am not as close to God as I should be.

I'm only happy when I'm with you
And living life the way you show me
Whenever I'm apart, I grow a colder heart
I only feign my love for you
I see this in my life. I am not happy, even when I should be if I am not in touch with God. It is fake, forced. Even though you can fake laughter and your body still acts like it is real, you can not fake happy and think it is real. People are agitating me more often, things that I should be able to let slide. It is a lack of God's love and grace in my life. I am not in Him as I should be and it is showing.

And if a day goes by without speaking
I love like I don't really need you
But in my heart I find I recognize the lie
My every breath I draw from you
I recognize the lie. I know that I am not where I should be. I have been fighting that, saying I will make time for God... tomorrow. Well I finally took a bit chunk of time this morning. It was only about 3 minutes, talk about really short timing God. But He used it. I prayed. A true prayer. I acknowledged my failings. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for His love to wash over me. I asked for Him to be my center again. I told Him I loved Him and I needed Him. I want Him as my world and not the one I have been having. Guess what. He heard me.


And I still find you true, pulling me back to you

To you I will run
The prodigal son
Coming back home again to you
Open your arms
And into your heart
I'm folded in love again with you

And every moment that I've wasted
Chasing after my own dreaming
I know you will forgive and wipe away the tears
For all the lonely foolish years

And I will try to be true, living each day with you

All that I am
And all that I have
And all I can be
Is found in you
I am not taking credit for this. God did it. He pulled me back. He made Jewell take longer than she normally would have to come downstairs. He used that time. I feel better. I missed God. The amazing thing is He has done nothing but encourage me so far. He has shown me He is God. He has used examples from other peoples lives to show me that He is in control. That He is. If He is in control of their lives when they didn't believe and still showed His love and mercy to them, how can I doubt that He isn't there loving me? I know that He has forgiven me. I know that all my sins are washed away. I know that all is good. I am folded back into His loving arms. I want to stay there, but I know my wandering heart will roam again, but I know God will call me back. I am like a sheep, prone to wander from this God I love. But He is a kind master and a good shepherd and I know His voice. He finds me and draws me back into the warm embrace of His arms.

The encouragement I got from God today:

Jeremiah 17:7-8

7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.

http://townhall.com/Columnists/MikeSAdams/2007/05/09/judges_636-40

“[Life Through the Spirit] Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”- Romans 8:1-2

"Know that I am on your side, right alongside you. You are not alone in this." - Colossians 2:1

Friday, May 4, 2007

Drowning in a Sea of Anarchy

I have used that title before, but I like it and well when you stumble upon something that works you go with it.

I feel like I am drowning and suffocating all at the same time. I can't breath. I need something to hurt/help. That makes no sense. I hurt therefore I want something to hurt more to take the pain away. "Bleed just to know you are alive."

How many thoughts and feelings can you have in a second? How many battles can those thoughts and feelings rage in that brief moment? Fear, anger, desire, shame, scared, torn, and the list goes on, but those were the most dominate and they won out. Then the ultimate shame of having hit and lashed out and not dealt with it all and been able to suppress it all. How much worse have I seen, felt, and dealt with? This was nothing. Clearly I am getting soft. I can't express it. My heart breaks with the shame. And I am not going to have time to grovel and go into submissive mode to try and fix it and make it right before offended person is leaving.

There is so much crap going on in my head. I just have a general feeling of suckiness about me. Demons that I thought I had beaten are coming back. I can't help it. I have prayed and I have fought it and I am falling. I can't tell AJ all the stuff that is in my head. He would think I am truly insane. All of my childhood insecurities are rising up again. I feel like I can't get a break lately. AJ is about the only really good/ great thing that has happened in my life since the start of the year. Everything else seems to be a swirling mass of blah or worse.

The job hunt is really getting to me. I feel like I am failing. It is hard to not snap at people at work when they make jokes about having me pull the fire alarm and that getting fired is a part of it. They know I have been fired, or more politely... position closed due to lack of funding. Which I know is the truth, but how do I nicely say to them, "Oh grow up, i will be leaving as soon as I can find a job. And don't pretend that you don't know what is going on."

I don't want any more nightmares. I want to be held and petted for awhile. I want to fall asleep safe. I want. I guess that is the downfall. I want. I don't get what I want. I should be happy to get what I do. It is enough, it is more than enough. It is far more than I have ever gotten before, therefore it should far and away surpass everything.

My world is turning upside down. How in the world am I going to live with another person in my house? Lauren isn't the problem as a person, it is the fact that she is another human. In my space. That frightens me. It is stupid too. I shouldn't be terrified of another person living with me. I want to live up to what she expects me to be. I want to live up to what everyone expects, but I am falling so short.

I want to run away. It hurts. I don't know what to do. I don't think a table and a blankie would help. I want to be around people, but I don't. I don't want to go to work. I want to hide.