Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Lack of Words

I have a lack of words. To many thoughts and feelings and not enough of a vocabulary to describe them. So if you are reading this be forewarned...

I am tired. I am depressed. I am confused. I am stressed. I am lost. I am happy. Well sort of. I am not sad about anything, but more a feeling of blah. I can't understand why anyone would want me around. I am cold. Physically. Even emotionally. Giving the cold shoulder to those that I shouldn't be. I just don't have the energy after work to care. I made dinner tonight for lots of people. Did I muster the energy to cook for me? No. Instead I sat on the floor and cried. Lack of patience with myself. Lack of energy to do anything else. I tried taking a nap. It didn't help. I got woken up every 12 minutes. I was cold enough not to be comfortable. Warm enough to make me itchy. So now I am just jumpy and twitchy because it was enough of a nap to "rest", but not enough to recover. My kitchen is a mess. My laundry needs to be folded and put away. My room is a nightmare. The playroom is worse. My head is spinning. And yet I sit here and write. I don't have the energy to go take a shower. I don't think I have the energy to go watch tv.