Kelly I love you. That is a lot of the same conclusions I came to last night. That it is easy for people who do not see her in all the different lights to get mad at us for feeling hurt. They don't see the temper tantrums, the hurt looks we have, and the coddling we all try to do. Not coddling because we are patronizing, but the general coddling everyone does for the people in their life that they love - the coddling that says I love you and I want to protect you from all the bad of the world. I don't want to bad mouth her and I am not, we all know what has been going on. We all know the hurt feelings and the pain. I don't know as much as the rest of the ferrets, but I hear stuff and try to stay connected with you all. My heart goes out to all of you and it breaks for Charlene. I would love for great and wondrous things to come out of all of this. That this break would really allow her to see some of the negatives in her life and be able to look at them objectively and start to know that we do love her and want to help her deal with them. But also that she will know attempting this again isn't going to be an option. I love her and my heart is so hurt by all of this, it wants to shatter into thousands of pieces. I am so thankful that she is ok, and this is only the worst of it. I can't imagine the pain and suffering that would be happening if she had accomplished the suicide. I am sitting in the lab and I just want to cry right now. I want to be able to hug you and all the ferrets. I want to be able to hug her and let her know that we love her. I want to know why she thought this was the best method... to either get attention or to remove herself from this world. I wish I could understand the thoughts going through my head. My heart doesn't know what to feel anymore.
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I am so scared that we are the bad guys. Those who know her can't speak out against her bad behavior before all this, because then we are bashing her. We can't hold her accountable for this, because then we are the bad people. And not knowing what to do makes us seem uncompassionate and unfeeling.
I hate when the people I love and care about hurt. I want to do something. To make things better... I have always had that problem. I want to love them more than I did before, to be there for them. I just don't know what to do. I have to many thoughts going through my head. They won't all come out, it is a bottleneck there.
I am scared of burdening people who are not associated with the situation with more information than they really want. I don't want to do that either. I want stability. I want safety. I am glad I have come this far that I can deal with this as well as I have been. Thankfully God doesn't give us things we can not deal with by relying on His strength. I am trusting Him that this won't set me back, and that it will actually grow and stretch me for His will.
Ahh... I am hungry and tired. Grrr.
I think AJ and I are going to start incorporating some God time into our time together. Even if we are just hanging out; I think it is a good way to spend some time in the word, maybe do some praying for each other, and really work on practicing coming before God as a couple. I need this. I really think this is going to be a good thing. Growth in a positive and controlled manner versus the stress that is causing growth.
The last couple of weeks... actually tomorrow makes two weeks exactly, have been a psycho roller coaster ride. Some of the things have been amazingly good, others good to just deal with, some so-so, some bad, some really bad, and others just annoying. My shoulders are so tensed and locked up from all the stress I am not sure if I can ever get the muscles to relax. The odd thing is I am kinda enjoying the pain... it is letting me know that all this isn't a dream and I will make it through it all. I haven't told anyone about the muscles locking up, well at least not until now. I have been using the electric tens unit and muscle relaxers, but they haven't seemed to help much. When they do relax a little something else comes along to make them lock back up.
I wouldn't trade anything that has happened for anything.. I figure it has all happened for a reason, and even if I never know the reason it is ok. There is a purpose to everything. I don't believe we live in a world of accidental and coincidences, bad stuff happens, but it can always be used to turn into good.
I might continue this later, but now I am going to try to go get some lunch before my stomach officially commits mutiny.