Thursday, March 1, 2007

I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry...

Maybe it's intuition
but somethings you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend
I know that might sound
more than a little crazy,
but I believe...1

Wow. Flashback to using Savage Garden lyrics to trying to explain what I am thinking/feeling.

I found out that I am distracting and not in a good way.

I am confused. I really care about AJ, enough so that I don't want to be a hindrance to him. I want to be there to support and strengthen him, but so far I don't think I am doing a good job at that at all. More like I am a stumbling block. So therefore in my head I have been having this conversation about the best method of dealing with this whole issue. Realizing that I can not (nor do I want to) make him do anything he does not want to do. Motivation would be good, but I am not sure how to accomplish that either.

The little voice in the back of my head (the same one that decides to keep me up many nights, just for reference) is raising the question about whether or not it would be potentially better to back off a lot or something more than that. Both options would break my heart, but I am no stranger to that. I don't want either option. But I do want the best for AJ. That is all I have ever wanted in relation to him (and any of the other people in my life). I want him to be happy with his choices and if I don't do that, then I want him to make the choice that is going to make him the happiest.

Insert random lyrics:

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.2

There is some selfishness involved in my thought process though. I enjoy being around him and I don't want that to stop. That would hurt a lot. I like him. This means I want to spend time with him, which then leads to neither of us accomplishing anything that we should be doing. Though sometimes cuddling on the couch is time well spent and an investment in each other, it isn't always the most productive use of the time we have been given.

The safety net of not being able to hang out or spend much time in my when he is around is a good protective measure, but it also means that I can't get things done that need to be done. Little things that don't take much time, but require presence - think dishes and laundry. This means that if these items are to be done I have to either stay up later to do them at night or rush around in the afternoons before other stuff starts happening to get them done. There are plenty of little piddly errands that I need to get done after work, but I find myself using that time for other things that also need to be done. Or the real worst is that I don't do them and then I kick myself when the dishes are all piled up or I have no clean socks. I have horrible time management skills for things like that. I always have, ask Stine. Though I would much rather have to many things to do than not enough, because I would still waste that time and not be any more productive. I would play on the computer or watch movies/ tv.

I have not been cooking at home like I should be. This means that I have either been eating out (or just away from home like at HG) or eating really crappy food that comes out of boxes. I don't like the taste of box food but I keep doing it. I guess the only good thing is that I don't buy much real junk food, so at least I am not eating that horribly yet. The issue has been bothering me for the last couple of days especially. I miss my cute little lunch boxes, but I haven't had the time in the morning to pack anything in them because I either haven't cooked food or have no time to make the food in the morning. I have no time because I haven't been sleeping like I should.

Sleep and Molly do not agree lately. Between being bouncy, being sick, and being scared I don't think I am supposed to sleep through the night for more than three days a week. All the crap that has been going on has just got me worn out. I wish I could blame the lack of time management on the break in, but I wasn't doing well with it before then either. Now I am just jumpy to be in my house at night, especially when there are weird noises.

I miss cooking. I miss the way home made food taste and smells.

I need to find time to read my Bible too. I am severely lacking in that too. I miss it. I used to read before I went to sleep (before dating and in the start of it), now I get home and pass out. Which I will admit is better than laying there all night, but yeah... I am to easily distracted when it comes to that. I am still keeping track of the verse of the day and God is still using that to encourage me, but I just can't help thinking that if He can do so much with that one little verse how much more could He do with many many verses and much more of my time?

I had the worst luck in posting this blog. It had lots of formating errors, so I had to retype it all. If anyone has any major problems with it, otherwise I don't care what it looks like as long as it is readable.

oh footnotes:

Title - Savage Garden -Truly Madly Deeply
1- Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You
2 - Rascal Flatts - My Wish

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey hon! Don't worry, you will find the path you're supposed to be on. And in the beginning it's always hard to find the balance between work and play but it will come. You're so happy right now, I don't really think you should give that up. I think you should just listen to your heart and your mind and find a more doable path. Maybe have him over your place and do some work one night and then his the next or something. Or buddy up and do laundry at a laundry mat. It'll work out.