Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Happiest News I Have Had In My Life... So Far

I am engaged! I am still kind of in a shocked daze about it, but I am fairly sure it is real. I am so in love with AJ and I have been for so long. I never knew what this really felt like before. It is a quiet peaceful feeling. A sense of happiness that washes over me when I am around him or even thinking about him. It is a safeness that I have never known from someone not in my family.

I don't know where this road is going to lead and I am still nervous about that, but not about the person I am walking along the road with. I know deep down that he is truthful about never leaving me, that he does love me, and that all of what has happened so far is nothing but the tip of the iceberg.

I think it is funny that people keep asking me about the ring and if I have spent a lot of time looking at it. Not really. I guess I am just odd that the ring is important, but I would much rather spend that time looking at and holding my AJ. When I do look at the ring it is more like seeing the promise and the commitment behind it than actually seeing the ring. I want him... that is what I have always wanted.

AJ has been so used by God to redeem so many things that it just doesn't seem real or possible. So many things that I thought were lost to bad memories have been redefined and turned into such amazingly happy and loving memories. I know that there are still lots of things to go, but I can see God's handiwork in all of them so I know it is going to be ok.

AJ has so many things in him that I have desired in a potential spouse for so long the fact that they are really all in one person just dumbfounds me. I have a nerd who respects the fact that I am one too and doesn't see it as a bad thing at all. Someone who has my desire for a family and a closeness to friends.

Like I said... I am still in shock and having AJ walk up and hug me and tell me he has waited for so long to be able to hold me close as his fiance is just beyond all comprehension. I think I have never really gotten used to the fact that he wants to date me, let alone actually marry me. It has been a almost like a dream the whole dating thing... Now I have to get used to this getting married idea. Yeah, don't read that in a negative light, it is just a little overwhelming at the moment. I can't wait on it to happen though. To have a husband that loves me and truly wants to be by my side for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

?

I don't think I am ever going to get proper sleep again. Between getting woken up last night and my huge inability to control my emotions I think sleep is furthest dream possible. Today just ramped up my stress level by a whole new factor.

My car had to be taken to the dealership to figure out why the key would not come out of the ignition switch. Apparently two things were wrong and I am not sure I get all of it other than it is going to cost me about $300. When I called my daddy to tell him he seemed indifferent to everything. Kinda like it is your problem you handle it. I didn't want him to make it all better, but more that he loved me and he knew I would be able to take care of it all and that he was behind me. I got none of the above. I was trying hard not to break down crying in the dealership and I succeeded for the most part. So instead it got shoved down in that box deep down inside of me that knows I am a failure and is fed by stress.

Then add that to the massive feeling of rejection I had tonight. The more I need certain things the less I am comfortable asking for them. I felt turned away, and thus pulled away. It hurt and made me want to curl up, so I tried to. Then I gave into just reading since that was my only option because I wasn't going to cry again this week, at least not with anyone else there.

So now all the hurt, the pain, the stress, the wants, the desires, and the self-loathing are all trying to come out at once. Thinking I am in over my head on so many things and not sure of where I stand still. So I am hoping the tears will stop at some point and I will be able to sleep.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Patience, I need Patience

Patience, I need patience. Certain things are driving me nuts. The person I most want to talk to about stuff I can't talk to. I am back in that phase of being where I am really and honestly not supposed to even think of certain things. It is the same type feeling I had in December, except about 10 times worse. I know where my heart is, where ever that boy is. The only differences between December and now are that the feelings are a whole lot stronger and I know that he wants to have my heart. I am hoping that him being gone for a week and change will help those feelings, but I doubt it. It is probably going to make me have to bite my tongue a lot harder. I have never had rules in a relationship... well I had them, but the other person didn't have any. I am trying to follow the ones that we have because I want to and because that is what he wants. How am I not supposed to think things though? How am I not supposed to feel? How can my heart not feel what it feels and hope for what it hopes for? His hugs make me feel the safest I have felt in a long long time, and the way he looks into my eyes makes me feel so special. I hope that is what he is trying to convey, because otherwise this is going to hurt a lot. I am trying to be good. Trying to keep from not thinking that this might go on, trying to not think that I want event 1 and 2 to happen, and trying not to feel what I feel. I am not allowed to do any of those, or at least I don't think I am supposed to. It hurts and it is hard and it makes me want to cry knowing that I am failing. I have no person to talk to about these things. God hears about it all the time. He has to be the one to grant it all, but I wouldn't mind if He would turn down the thoughts and emotions a bit or at least grant me the peace to not beat myself up over thinking and hoping and feeling.

I just plain need patience, and maybe a release valve.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Stupid Dreams. Why can't I just sleep?

I just had the weirdest dream I have had in a while. I am going to try to get as much of it down as I can before it all fades away. It is the closest to waking up crying I have been in a long time.

It starts off in a place like Universal, kinda like the Lost Continent, but not exactly perfect. It is closing time, but I get to stay with a couple of friends and spend the night up in the second floor area above the main drag. There is a sleeping area up there. For some reason it is Kelly, Stine, and I that are there together. We run around and goof off for a while, and then I get tired. So I go to curl up in one of the bed thingys provided, and Stine goes to curl up in one of the concession cart things downstairs. Kelly goes with her and the proceeds to wander around the area. I can see all of what is going on because I am laying next to the window. As Kelly wanders to close to one of the stores the doors open and "half robot/ half people" walk out. They were not metal and mechanical people, just kinda robot like in there movement and actions. They start cleaning and for some reason chase Kelly back up stairs. Stine stays sleeping on the cart. So Kelly comes back up to the sleepy area and two guys follow her. One promptly gets in the next bed like compartment on the floor and says he didn't know this place was there and is going to go to sleep until his shift is over or starts (don't remember). The other gets in the bed thing behind my bed thing (they were kinda like seats on a school bus, or at least lined up like that with the divider wall between them). He is in kind of a Dragons uniform, he smiles and starts talking about the uniforms colors and all. That smile just melted my heart. Somehow Kelly, the guy, and I decided to go up to the third story and wander around. We get upstairs and it is like a wedding reception/ sleepover. Everyone is in their pjs and very tired/ winding down. The guy with the smile changes into AJ (not a hard stretch to imagine). I know that we are dating in the dream, but he keeps ignoring me and won't touch me (hand holding or even incidental contact). He is mad at me I think. So I follow him around this place confused. Finally he sits down in a chair close to this stage thing. I ask him what is wrong and he sings some twisted version of this:

That's as close as I'll get to loving you
Even though there's nothing else I'd rather do
I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know
That's as close as I'll get to loving you

That's as close as I'll get to loving you
Even though there's nothing else I'd rather do
I can dream, I can hope, I can scheme but still I know
That's as close as I'll get to loving you

That's as close as I'll get to
Yeah that's as close as I'll get to
That's as close as I'll get to loving you.


Except it involved a lot of the line, "Nothing hurts as bad as loving you." When he was done he glared at me and put his hand on my arm. He left it there for a second and then pulled away. Then he lowered his face to eye level and snarled, "where is my contact?" When I looked up into his face it wasn't my AJ, it was my ex with his hair pulled back and a half scruffy/ half prickly beard. He had the most hated look I have ever received on his face. It was the most afraid I have ever been. I knew I had no choice but to pet him, so I touched his cheek and rubbed his neck. Then I slunk of to cry in a corner. That is when I woke up. I still want to cry, actually I think I am.

It hurt. It feels like I have had sandpaper rubbed all over my heart. It is the first time in a long time that I had been confronted with a demand for affection that I didn't want to give. But I knew I had no option in the matter. Though it seemed like I had a choice there really wasn't one. I don't know what would have happened had I not done what I did, but there was no question in my mind it would have been bad. It is by far something I never want to feel again. I don't like my affection and love being taken from me. I have discovered I like giving them of my own free will. It makes me feel loved when they are returned in the same manner.

I think the thing that scared me the most was the evolution from having fun with my friends and the guy with the melting smile to the quiet coldness of the room and the harshness of the snarl. Because the dream really did shift from bright happiness in colors and feels to very cold dreary colors and a frigid feeling.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Run away.

I feel crappy. I don't know what is going on. I feel left out and just kinda blah. I want to run away. I don't know where to go, but I want to. AHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Friday, June 1, 2007

Beer

I like the fact my beer personality matches my favorite one. :)




You Are Guinness



You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.

Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.

When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well.

But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

*hurump*

Why do I feel this way? I think it has something to do with the dreams. I think more of it is from my fears, my own insecurities. Grrrr!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Vader evolved into a Devotional

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/05/21/health/webmd/main2832453.shtml?source=RSSattr=Health_2832453

Darth Vader's Psyche: What Went Wrong?


(WebMD) Anakin Skywalker, the Star Wars character who became Darth Vader, had borderline personality disorder, psychiatrists report.

The news comes not from a galaxy far, far away, but from San Diego, where the American Psychiatric Association (APA) is holding its 160th annual meeting.

Experts from the psychiatric department at France's University Hospital of Toulouse told the APA's annual meeting that Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader could "clearly" be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness marked by instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior, according to background information on the Web site of the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

The French psychiatrists — who included Laurent Schmitt, M.D. — based their diagnosis on original Star Wars film scripts.

Schmitt's team describes Skywalker's symptoms, including problems with controlling anger and impulsivity, temporary stress-related paranoia, "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (when trying to save his wife at all costs), and a pattern of unstable and intense personal relationships," including his relationships with his Jedi masters.

Changing his name and turning into "Darth Vader" is a red flag of Skywalker's disturbed identity, note Schmitt and colleagues.

The researchers aren't suggesting that real people with borderline personality disorder are Darth Vaders-in-the-making. Skywalker's symptoms are an extreme, fictional case.

Borderline personality disorder can be treated through psychotherapy and with medication. But that wasn't part of Skywalker's script.

By Miranda Hitti
Reviewed by Louise Chang, M.D.
© 2007, WebMD Inc. All rights reserved.


This article made me want to go take a test to see if I was borderline, just for giggles.

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Moderate
Schizoid:Low
Schizotypal:Moderate
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:High
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:Moderate
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --




It looks like I might be borderline and potentially ocd. Hmmm.


I don't think I fall into the borderline category as much as I might have in the past. I used to be a lot worse. There was a time that I could say I probably needed help, and well I got it. I also had God's grace and His Holy Spirit working to take care of those things.

Ok, I think this is funny... I wrote the above stuff and then opened my email to read my devotional. I hadn't posted this yet, but I was planning on coming back to it after the devotional. Guess what the title of today's devotional is?

FEELING ALONE

How funny. See that makes me think God has a sense of humor.

Prophets and kings from the Bible, pastors and
missionaries throughout history, regular Christians
today, have experienced times of feeling alone,
times when it seems like no one else is seeking
after God, times when their work appears fruitless.

In seasons like these, it is essential to remember
that we cannot always rely on how we feel or how
things appear. Truth is independent of our emotional
state and our limited perspective. Reality is often very
different than we perceive it.

I think in context of the personality issues this is something to remember. "We cannot always rely on how we feel or how things appear." What great wisdom. Just because something looks yucky today doesn't mean it is going to be bad tomorrow. I think that should be my mindset frequently... "Truth is independent of our emotional state and our limited perspective."

Questions: When have you felt alone in your faith?
What can you do to regain a broader perspective?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Pi = Love

While goofing off at work I found this. I thought it was appropriate considering who I am dating and smitten by:





Your Love Quote



Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Day 3

Day 3

EXCUSES!

It's just the way I am. I can't help it. I'm a worrier by
nature. I'm too old to change.

Do any of those phrases sound familiar to you? Do you
find yourself excusing your tendency to worry or your
lack of discipline? Unfortunately we have too often
allowed ourselves the Privilege of Excuse to mask
areas in our lives which need change or improvement.


I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from you
I am the king of excuses
Ive got one for every selfish thing I do

Whats going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I’m still a man in need of a savior

The disease of self runs through my blood
Its a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, whats going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicionshat I’m still a man in need of a savior

- DC Talk


I identify so much with this song. I am good at excuses. I have gotten better, but they are easy to fall into. I can justify almost anything in my head to allow me to feel ok and to do what I want to do. My heart doesn't fall for it most of the time and that then leads to a battle for who is going to win. I wish I could say my heart wins out most of the time, but it doesn't. I am not even sure that it is 50-50.

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Trust in God" (John 14:1).
When Jesus uses the words "let not," He is telling us
that we have the power of choice. We need not be victims of
our personalities or human tendencies or backgrounds. The
road to victory is rocky and uphill, but God gives us
the pattern for that victory: Do not be anxious about
everything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace
of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard
your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:6-8).

I am not even sure I can put into words my thoughts about this. After the breakdown I had yesterday about just the current chaos of my life I am needing this more than ever. I think part of it was that I was trying to be strong on my own, I was not letting my strength and courage come from God, but from my own self. Again, not good. I am glad God gives us the choice, that we don't have to fall into the traps of our own selves. I try not to, and with what is going on I am scared of disappointing God in so many ways. I don't want to take the one He doesn't want me in, I want to be able to do His will, and I want to be happy with the choice.

This was a shorter one today. I am really tired and want to go take a nap somewhere, but I am at work... hmmm.... the desk is starting to look comfy about now.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Day 2

Day 2

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the
Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold
on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:16--22).


Everything needs to be offered up in prayer. The good, the bad, the ugly. Even blogger when it is making you want to put your foot through the screen. I forget that a lot. That everything is from God and it needs to be given back up to him. The things that hurt, are painful, are dreary and drudgery are all things that I need to be joyful in. I think part of the problem I have with that is that it is so contrary to my human nature. How can anything that is painful be joyful? Then I think of all the things that hurt that have a good ending... Heartbreak, child birth, life in general. Without the pain how would I grow? Nothing can stay the same and change can not happen in a static environment.

I was talking to someone about my job situation the other day and they brought up the point that change has to occur. I agreed with them. They used the example of a "lover", that "we just need to change them up every once in a while and a job is a lot like that." I couldn't disagree more on the example they used, but I have to agree on the needing to change things up a bit. That is what today's devotional is all about. The changes that need to be made in my prayer life. It seems like God is really talking to me in this area, but then again I have been slacking on it.

I came to a hard realization last night. I am trying to rely on my own self to bring a peace and a calm that I can not give to me. Silly as it may seem, I think that I can force myself to calm down at night and that that will make me have a good nights sleep. I am still having a hard time fighting that notion because the last few nights I have been passing out and staying asleep until the alarm goes off. To counter that though I have been extremely exhausted. I have/ had gotten out of the habit of praying right before I went to sleep. I don't know when that happened, but it has been in the last couple of weeks... Actually it started when the pain in my side started.

DIDN'T Finish today.

Silliness

Kelly posted this on myspace. I thought it was fun, so I had a go. It amused me (because that is so hard to do :) )


M: makes datin fun

O: Has one of the best personalities ever

L: BEST SMILE

L: BEST SMILE

Y: Loved by everybody

S: Lives life for fun

T: great kisser

R: good bf/gf

I: loves to laugh

C: Really easy to fall in love with

K: Really silly

L: BEST SMILE

A: Gorgeous

N: Great in bed

D: Is a freak





******************************

A: Gorgeous
B: Loves people
C: Really easy to fall in love with
D: Is a freak
E: Freakin Beautiful eyes
F: People wild and crazy adore you
G: Never let people tell you what to do
H: Easy to fall in love with
I: loves to laugh
J: makes people laugh
K: Really silly
L: BEST SMILE
M: makes datin fun
N: Great in bed
I: loves to laugh
O: Has one of the best personalities ever
P: Popular with all types of people
Q: A hypocrite
R: good bf/gf
S: Lives life for fun
T: great kisser
U: gets blamed for everything
V: Not judgmental
W: Very broad minded
X: Never let people tell you what to do
Y: Loved by everybody
z: Lives for fun

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Day 1- A New Start

I started a new devotional today. My goal is to try and get my thoughts and feelings centered on where they should be. I am hoping that using an e-devotional and an e-journal will help. So on with the show.

We don't intend for it to happen but somehow a
passiveness creeps into our busy Christian's lives.
We do ministry, we pray on the run, we read
when we get a minute, we encourage where we can,
we drop our tithe in the offering...and we slip
into a passive relationship with Jesus. We begin
to expect Him to do the job of drawing near to us.

Wow. Yeah. I know that I slip into that more often than not. Unfortunately, that is NOT what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to seek Him and draw close to Him. Not wait on Him to draw me in by entertaining me or grabbing my attention. God grabbing my attention generally isn't the way I want to go about things, because in the past it has hurt and well honestly it was good for me, but not exactly pleasant. As my mommy would say, "I got a knot snatched in my tail." It hurts, don't want to do that again. I would much rather my relationship with Him be a true seeking. One full of desire and love on my part. A wanting to spend time with my loving God. Not an attention grabbing effort on His or my part. I don't want to seek Him to gain approval from others. And in case anyone who might read this thinks that is what I am doing here, well you are wrong. I could care less if anyone reads my devotionals. This is my time to reflect on myself and my relationship with my God. I guess part of it is the desire that if people want to hold me accountable they can by reading this. They will know where I stand and if it is falling then correct me on it.

God makes a promise: "Draw near to God and He will
draw near to you" (James 4:8). What do you need to
do today, this week, to actively choose your
relationship with Jesus over the many important
and busy tasks that call for your attention? He longs
to bring freshness to your soul!

What do I need to do? I need to work at spending time with God on every level. I think my plan for this is to:
  1. start doing this devotional - Week 1
  2. start reading my Bible before bed (it isn't going to be a lot, but a start) - Week 1
  3. set aside my prayer time - Week 1
  4. work on the devotional AJ and I are doing together.
  5. start reading my Bible before bed (more in length) - Week 2 or 3
  6. continue goal 3 - Week 3 on
  7. continue on goal 4 - Week 3 on

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

My Deliverer

Oasis- Petra

You give me water in a dry and thirsty land
You satisfy my hunger
Yo feed me from your hand
I was a wanderer in the wildnerness
Until I stumbled on your oasis

And I will stay here with you
Here in the shade, here in the cool
You keep me safe through the night in your oasis

You give your spirit
To a dry and thirsty heart
You satisfy my longing
I hear the voice of God

I was a wanderer in my emptiness
Until you brought me near your oasis

And I will stay here with you
Here in the shade, here in the cool
You keep me safe through the night in your oasis

And I will drink from your well
I find my peace here in your shelter
And I will stay here with you in your oasis



My Deliverer - Rich Mullins

Joseph took his wife and her child and they went to Africa
To escape the rage of a deadly king
There along the banks of the Nile,
Jesus listened to the song
That the captive children used to sing
They were singin'
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by

Through a dry and thirsty land, water from the Kenyon heights
Pours itself out of Lake Sangra's broken heart
There in the Sahara winds Jesus heard the whole world cry
For the healing that would flow from His own scars
The world was singing
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
He will never break His promise - He has written it upon the sky

My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
I will never doubt His promise though I doubt my heart, I doubt my eyes
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
He will never break His promise
though the stars should break faith with the sky
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming - my Deliverer is standing by
My Deliverer is coming.

The Prodigal's Song- Petra

I'm only happy when I'm with you
And living life the way you show me
Whenever I'm apart, I grow a colder heart
I only feign my love for you

And if a day goes by without speaking
I love like I don't really need you
But in my heart I find I recognize the lie
My every breath I draw from you

And I still find you true, pulling me back to you

To you I will run
The prodigal son
Coming back home again to you
Open your arms
And into your heart
I'm folded in love again with you

And every moment that I've wasted
Chasing after my own dreaming
I know you will forgive and wipe away the tears
For all the lonely foolish years

And I will try to be true, living each day with you

All that I am
And all that I have
And all I can be
Is found in you



I forget that my Deliverer is standing by. I often forget that He is standing there waiting on me to call upon Him, to let Him be my all. I forget that He is wanting to be my strength and my shield, that all I have to do is turn to Him. He is my water, my life, my salvation. He will never abandon me, no matter how many times I start to turn my back on Him. He is there for me, He is mine and I am HIS!

I have been the prodigal son lately. Not intentionally turning my back on God, but more of a slow revolving away from Him. I have been trying to handle things on my own, and not exactly failing, but by far not doing a good job of juggling them. I know that isn't right and it isn't healthy, but it happened. I don't want it to happen, but occasionally it does. I am human, I forget, I fail, I struggle.

The lyrics to the Prodigal Son song hit home. I am colder when I am not as close to God as I should be.

I'm only happy when I'm with you
And living life the way you show me
Whenever I'm apart, I grow a colder heart
I only feign my love for you
I see this in my life. I am not happy, even when I should be if I am not in touch with God. It is fake, forced. Even though you can fake laughter and your body still acts like it is real, you can not fake happy and think it is real. People are agitating me more often, things that I should be able to let slide. It is a lack of God's love and grace in my life. I am not in Him as I should be and it is showing.

And if a day goes by without speaking
I love like I don't really need you
But in my heart I find I recognize the lie
My every breath I draw from you
I recognize the lie. I know that I am not where I should be. I have been fighting that, saying I will make time for God... tomorrow. Well I finally took a bit chunk of time this morning. It was only about 3 minutes, talk about really short timing God. But He used it. I prayed. A true prayer. I acknowledged my failings. I asked for forgiveness. I asked for His love to wash over me. I asked for Him to be my center again. I told Him I loved Him and I needed Him. I want Him as my world and not the one I have been having. Guess what. He heard me.


And I still find you true, pulling me back to you

To you I will run
The prodigal son
Coming back home again to you
Open your arms
And into your heart
I'm folded in love again with you

And every moment that I've wasted
Chasing after my own dreaming
I know you will forgive and wipe away the tears
For all the lonely foolish years

And I will try to be true, living each day with you

All that I am
And all that I have
And all I can be
Is found in you
I am not taking credit for this. God did it. He pulled me back. He made Jewell take longer than she normally would have to come downstairs. He used that time. I feel better. I missed God. The amazing thing is He has done nothing but encourage me so far. He has shown me He is God. He has used examples from other peoples lives to show me that He is in control. That He is. If He is in control of their lives when they didn't believe and still showed His love and mercy to them, how can I doubt that He isn't there loving me? I know that He has forgiven me. I know that all my sins are washed away. I know that all is good. I am folded back into His loving arms. I want to stay there, but I know my wandering heart will roam again, but I know God will call me back. I am like a sheep, prone to wander from this God I love. But He is a kind master and a good shepherd and I know His voice. He finds me and draws me back into the warm embrace of His arms.

The encouragement I got from God today:

Jeremiah 17:7-8

7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.

http://townhall.com/Columnists/MikeSAdams/2007/05/09/judges_636-40

“[Life Through the Spirit] Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”- Romans 8:1-2

"Know that I am on your side, right alongside you. You are not alone in this." - Colossians 2:1

Friday, May 4, 2007

Drowning in a Sea of Anarchy

I have used that title before, but I like it and well when you stumble upon something that works you go with it.

I feel like I am drowning and suffocating all at the same time. I can't breath. I need something to hurt/help. That makes no sense. I hurt therefore I want something to hurt more to take the pain away. "Bleed just to know you are alive."

How many thoughts and feelings can you have in a second? How many battles can those thoughts and feelings rage in that brief moment? Fear, anger, desire, shame, scared, torn, and the list goes on, but those were the most dominate and they won out. Then the ultimate shame of having hit and lashed out and not dealt with it all and been able to suppress it all. How much worse have I seen, felt, and dealt with? This was nothing. Clearly I am getting soft. I can't express it. My heart breaks with the shame. And I am not going to have time to grovel and go into submissive mode to try and fix it and make it right before offended person is leaving.

There is so much crap going on in my head. I just have a general feeling of suckiness about me. Demons that I thought I had beaten are coming back. I can't help it. I have prayed and I have fought it and I am falling. I can't tell AJ all the stuff that is in my head. He would think I am truly insane. All of my childhood insecurities are rising up again. I feel like I can't get a break lately. AJ is about the only really good/ great thing that has happened in my life since the start of the year. Everything else seems to be a swirling mass of blah or worse.

The job hunt is really getting to me. I feel like I am failing. It is hard to not snap at people at work when they make jokes about having me pull the fire alarm and that getting fired is a part of it. They know I have been fired, or more politely... position closed due to lack of funding. Which I know is the truth, but how do I nicely say to them, "Oh grow up, i will be leaving as soon as I can find a job. And don't pretend that you don't know what is going on."

I don't want any more nightmares. I want to be held and petted for awhile. I want to fall asleep safe. I want. I guess that is the downfall. I want. I don't get what I want. I should be happy to get what I do. It is enough, it is more than enough. It is far more than I have ever gotten before, therefore it should far and away surpass everything.

My world is turning upside down. How in the world am I going to live with another person in my house? Lauren isn't the problem as a person, it is the fact that she is another human. In my space. That frightens me. It is stupid too. I shouldn't be terrified of another person living with me. I want to live up to what she expects me to be. I want to live up to what everyone expects, but I am falling so short.

I want to run away. It hurts. I don't know what to do. I don't think a table and a blankie would help. I want to be around people, but I don't. I don't want to go to work. I want to hide.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Lack of Words

I have a lack of words. To many thoughts and feelings and not enough of a vocabulary to describe them. So if you are reading this be forewarned...

I am tired. I am depressed. I am confused. I am stressed. I am lost. I am happy. Well sort of. I am not sad about anything, but more a feeling of blah. I can't understand why anyone would want me around. I am cold. Physically. Even emotionally. Giving the cold shoulder to those that I shouldn't be. I just don't have the energy after work to care. I made dinner tonight for lots of people. Did I muster the energy to cook for me? No. Instead I sat on the floor and cried. Lack of patience with myself. Lack of energy to do anything else. I tried taking a nap. It didn't help. I got woken up every 12 minutes. I was cold enough not to be comfortable. Warm enough to make me itchy. So now I am just jumpy and twitchy because it was enough of a nap to "rest", but not enough to recover. My kitchen is a mess. My laundry needs to be folded and put away. My room is a nightmare. The playroom is worse. My head is spinning. And yet I sit here and write. I don't have the energy to go take a shower. I don't think I have the energy to go watch tv.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Killing Time at Work Humor

I was goofing off at work while listening to the Gator Boy's announcement. So I was playing on a blog quiz site and took this one:

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsignisyourtruelovequiz/

The results are below. I think they are funny. Take a wild guess why. I am not sure I would use those words to describe anyone, but I still thought it was funny... so I posted it. Go take it and see what you get and then post it as a comment. :)






Your True Love Is a Cancer



Why you'll love a Cancer:



Cancer's loyal and sincere heart makes your own sensitive heart melt.

Caring and devoted, a Cancer will take the lead in pursuing you - and not give up!



Why a Cancer will love you:



You're laid back enough to deal with Cancer's little mood swings and freak-outs.

A fellow homebody, you know how make Cancer comfortable and at home with you.



I think my Cancer is laid back enough to deal with my mood swings and not the other way around like the quiz says, but oh well. I can't win them all. Ok. Hopefully time to head home ( I am hungry and want a nap before church tonight - Foot Washing and ALL!)

Friday, March 9, 2007

Love Language.

Again I borrowed something from Ashley. This time it is the love languages quiz.

I didn't need a quiz to figure out the physical touch, but it was nice to know a quiz can tell me something I have figured out on my own... well sorta. I thought this quiz was interesting because it is the first one of the love languages that didn't almost tie touch and time. But I guess you can't have touch if you don't have time, or at least that is how I view it.

The last question on the quiz really got me... Do I need touch daily or affirmation daily. I was surprised by my reaction to that. I know which one I want daily, but I am starting to enjoy both. Hmmm.

Oh, BTW I don't really endorse the rest of the website, it is just where the quiz was.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch: 12
Quality Time: 7
Words of Affirmation: 5
Receiving Gifts: 4
Acts of Service: 2


Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

123 Films I Have Seen

I got this from Ashley off of her Facebook page. I thought it would be fun to see how many movies I have seen. Needless to say it is a lot. I went well over the 85 films. I think I need to watch more though :)

***************************************

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, go to your own facebook account, paste this as a note. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.


(X)Rocky Horror Picture Show
()Grease
(X)Pirates of the Caribbean
(X)Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(X) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
()Starsky and Hutch
(X)Neverending Story
(X)Blazing Saddles
()Airplane
Total: 7

(X) The Princess Bride
(X) AnchorMan
()Napoleon Dynamite
(X)Labyrinth
(X)Saw
()Saw II
()White Noise
()White Oleander
()Anger Management
(X)50 First Dates
(X)The Princess Diaries
(X)The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 14

(X) Scream
(X) Scream 2
(X) Scream 3
()Scary Movie
()Scary Movie 2
(X)Scary Movie 3
()Scary Movie 4
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
() American Wedding
(X)American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 21

(X)Harry Potter 1
(X)Harry Potter 2
(X)Harry Potter 3
(X)Harry Potter 4
()Resident Evil 1
()Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
() Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(X) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 28

(X) Finding Nemo
()Finding Neverland
(X)Signs
(X) The Grinch
()Texas Chainsaw Massacre
()Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
() White Chicks
()Butterfly Effect
(X) 13 Going on 30
() I, Robot
(X)Robots
Total so far: 33

()Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
()Universal Soldier
()Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
() KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
() Meet The Parents
() Meet the Fockers
()Eight Crazy Nights
()Joe Dirt
()King Kong
Total so far: 35

(X) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
()The Lizzie McGuire Movie
()Passport to Paris
() Dumb & Dumber
()Dumb & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
(X)Final Destination 2
()Final Destination 3
(X)Halloween
(X) The Ring
()The Ring 2
()Surviving X-MAS
(X)Flubber
Total so far: 41

()Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
()Ghost Ship
(X)From Hell
()Hellboy
()Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
()The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 44

(X)The Day After Tomorrow
(X)Child's Play
()Seed of Chucky
(X)Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
()Gothika
()Nightmare on Elm Street
() Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
()Coach Carter
() The Grudge
()The Grudge 2
(X)The Mask
()Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 50

() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
()Joy Ride
()Lucky Number Sleven
(X) Ocean's Eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremecy
()Lone Star
(X)Bedazzled
()Predator I
()Predator II
(X)The Fog
(X) Ice Age
(X)Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
()Curious George
Total so far: 58

(X) Independence Day
()Cujo
()A Bronx Tale
()Darkness Falls
()Christine
(X) ET
()Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
() Maid in Manhattan
() War of the Worlds
() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 60

()Best Bet
() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
(X)Mars Attacks
()Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
()Big Trouble in Little China
(X)The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
(X)The Terminator 3
Total so far: 68

(X)X-Men
(X)X-2
(X)X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
()Sky High
()Jeepers Creepers
(X)Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X)Freaky Friday (as in the original, with Jodie Foster)
()Reign of Fire
(X) The Skulls
(X) Cruel Intentions
()Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
Total so far: 81


() Swimfan
() Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
() The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
(X)Krippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
()Ice Castles
()Boogeyman
(X) The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 85

(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 91

()Baseketball
()Hostel
(X)Waiting for Guffman
()House of 1000 Corpses
()Devils Rejects
()Elf
(X)Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
(X)American History X
()Three
Total so Far: 94

()The Jacket
()Kung Fu Hustle
()Shaolin Soccer
()Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X)Monty Python and the Holy Grail
()Shaun Of the Dead
()Willard
Total so far: 97

()High Tension
()Club Dread
(X)Hulk
(X)Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X)Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X)28 days later
(X)Orgazmo
()Phantasm
(X)Waterworld
Total so far: 104

() Kill Bill Vol, 1
()Kill Bill Vol. 2
(X)Mortal Kombat
()Wolf Creek
(X)Kingdom of Heaven
()The Hills Have Eyes (original version, not the new one!)
(X)I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
()The Last House on the Left
()Re-Animator
(X)Army of Darkness
Total so far: 108

(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
(X)Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(X)Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 116


(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
()The Matrix Revolutions
()Animatrix
(X)Evil Dead
(X)Evil Dead 2
()Team America: World Police
(X) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
(X) Hannibal
Total: 123

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Response to Kelly

Kelly I love you. That is a lot of the same conclusions I came to last night. That it is easy for people who do not see her in all the different lights to get mad at us for feeling hurt. They don't see the temper tantrums, the hurt looks we have, and the coddling we all try to do. Not coddling because we are patronizing, but the general coddling everyone does for the people in their life that they love - the coddling that says I love you and I want to protect you from all the bad of the world. I don't want to bad mouth her and I am not, we all know what has been going on. We all know the hurt feelings and the pain. I don't know as much as the rest of the ferrets, but I hear stuff and try to stay connected with you all. My heart goes out to all of you and it breaks for Charlene. I would love for great and wondrous things to come out of all of this. That this break would really allow her to see some of the negatives in her life and be able to look at them objectively and start to know that we do love her and want to help her deal with them. But also that she will know attempting this again isn't going to be an option. I love her and my heart is so hurt by all of this, it wants to shatter into thousands of pieces. I am so thankful that she is ok, and this is only the worst of it. I can't imagine the pain and suffering that would be happening if she had accomplished the suicide. I am sitting in the lab and I just want to cry right now. I want to be able to hug you and all the ferrets. I want to be able to hug her and let her know that we love her. I want to know why she thought this was the best method... to either get attention or to remove herself from this world. I wish I could understand the thoughts going through my head. My heart doesn't know what to feel anymore.


**************** Not Part of Response*******************
I am so scared that we are the bad guys. Those who know her can't speak out against her bad behavior before all this, because then we are bashing her. We can't hold her accountable for this, because then we are the bad people. And not knowing what to do makes us seem uncompassionate and unfeeling.

I hate when the people I love and care about hurt. I want to do something. To make things better... I have always had that problem. I want to love them more than I did before, to be there for them. I just don't know what to do. I have to many thoughts going through my head. They won't all come out, it is a bottleneck there.

I am scared of burdening people who are not associated with the situation with more information than they really want. I don't want to do that either. I want stability. I want safety. I am glad I have come this far that I can deal with this as well as I have been. Thankfully God doesn't give us things we can not deal with by relying on His strength. I am trusting Him that this won't set me back, and that it will actually grow and stretch me for His will.

Ahh... I am hungry and tired. Grrr.

I think AJ and I are going to start incorporating some God time into our time together. Even if we are just hanging out; I think it is a good way to spend some time in the word, maybe do some praying for each other, and really work on practicing coming before God as a couple. I need this. I really think this is going to be a good thing. Growth in a positive and controlled manner versus the stress that is causing growth.

The last couple of weeks... actually tomorrow makes two weeks exactly, have been a psycho roller coaster ride. Some of the things have been amazingly good, others good to just deal with, some so-so, some bad, some really bad, and others just annoying. My shoulders are so tensed and locked up from all the stress I am not sure if I can ever get the muscles to relax. The odd thing is I am kinda enjoying the pain... it is letting me know that all this isn't a dream and I will make it through it all. I haven't told anyone about the muscles locking up, well at least not until now. I have been using the electric tens unit and muscle relaxers, but they haven't seemed to help much. When they do relax a little something else comes along to make them lock back up.

I wouldn't trade anything that has happened for anything.. I figure it has all happened for a reason, and even if I never know the reason it is ok. There is a purpose to everything. I don't believe we live in a world of accidental and coincidences, bad stuff happens, but it can always be used to turn into good.

I might continue this later, but now I am going to try to go get some lunch before my stomach officially commits mutiny.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Where Is a Table When You Need One.

General Feeling: Wanting to crawl under a table and stay there, maybe forever.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry...

Maybe it's intuition
but somethings you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend
I know that might sound
more than a little crazy,
but I believe...1

Wow. Flashback to using Savage Garden lyrics to trying to explain what I am thinking/feeling.

I found out that I am distracting and not in a good way.

http://usacomp.zapto.org/blog/index.php/2007/02/28/sleep/#comments

I am confused. I really care about AJ, enough so that I don't want to be a hindrance to him. I want to be there to support and strengthen him, but so far I don't think I am doing a good job at that at all. More like I am a stumbling block. So therefore in my head I have been having this conversation about the best method of dealing with this whole issue. Realizing that I can not (nor do I want to) make him do anything he does not want to do. Motivation would be good, but I am not sure how to accomplish that either.

The little voice in the back of my head (the same one that decides to keep me up many nights, just for reference) is raising the question about whether or not it would be potentially better to back off a lot or something more than that. Both options would break my heart, but I am no stranger to that. I don't want either option. But I do want the best for AJ. That is all I have ever wanted in relation to him (and any of the other people in my life). I want him to be happy with his choices and if I don't do that, then I want him to make the choice that is going to make him the happiest.

Insert random lyrics:

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.2

There is some selfishness involved in my thought process though. I enjoy being around him and I don't want that to stop. That would hurt a lot. I like him. This means I want to spend time with him, which then leads to neither of us accomplishing anything that we should be doing. Though sometimes cuddling on the couch is time well spent and an investment in each other, it isn't always the most productive use of the time we have been given.

The safety net of not being able to hang out or spend much time in my when he is around is a good protective measure, but it also means that I can't get things done that need to be done. Little things that don't take much time, but require presence - think dishes and laundry. This means that if these items are to be done I have to either stay up later to do them at night or rush around in the afternoons before other stuff starts happening to get them done. There are plenty of little piddly errands that I need to get done after work, but I find myself using that time for other things that also need to be done. Or the real worst is that I don't do them and then I kick myself when the dishes are all piled up or I have no clean socks. I have horrible time management skills for things like that. I always have, ask Stine. Though I would much rather have to many things to do than not enough, because I would still waste that time and not be any more productive. I would play on the computer or watch movies/ tv.

I have not been cooking at home like I should be. This means that I have either been eating out (or just away from home like at HG) or eating really crappy food that comes out of boxes. I don't like the taste of box food but I keep doing it. I guess the only good thing is that I don't buy much real junk food, so at least I am not eating that horribly yet. The issue has been bothering me for the last couple of days especially. I miss my cute little lunch boxes, but I haven't had the time in the morning to pack anything in them because I either haven't cooked food or have no time to make the food in the morning. I have no time because I haven't been sleeping like I should.

Sleep and Molly do not agree lately. Between being bouncy, being sick, and being scared I don't think I am supposed to sleep through the night for more than three days a week. All the crap that has been going on has just got me worn out. I wish I could blame the lack of time management on the break in, but I wasn't doing well with it before then either. Now I am just jumpy to be in my house at night, especially when there are weird noises.

I miss cooking. I miss the way home made food taste and smells.

I need to find time to read my Bible too. I am severely lacking in that too. I miss it. I used to read before I went to sleep (before dating and in the start of it), now I get home and pass out. Which I will admit is better than laying there all night, but yeah... I am to easily distracted when it comes to that. I am still keeping track of the verse of the day and God is still using that to encourage me, but I just can't help thinking that if He can do so much with that one little verse how much more could He do with many many verses and much more of my time?

I had the worst luck in posting this blog. It had lots of formating errors, so I had to retype it all. If anyone has any major problems with it, otherwise I don't care what it looks like as long as it is readable.

oh footnotes:

Title - Savage Garden -Truly Madly Deeply
1- Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You
2 - Rascal Flatts - My Wish

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Random Lab Stuff

Today we had cupcakes in the lab for Kim's birthday. Justin was checking to see how many were left, and I asked him if he was squishing it. No, but there is only one left, not none ... I thought we had eaten them all in that brief second. So then the conversation evolved into:

"There is one left, which is like none. Actually exactly like the last three letters. Like neon."
"Noon also."
"What?"
"It is spelled the same way.... oh wait it isn't"
"What were you thinking?"

The sugar has kicked in. Yay for lab meeting only lasting an hour. Now we are all done and wondering what to do because we rushed to finish thinking lab meeting was going to take all night.

Monday, February 26, 2007

What A... Wow

The last week has been nuts. Again, I switch to list format:

  1. Hives. Never ever ever wish these on anyone. They suck. You itch. Simple.
  2. OBGYN. Enough said.
  3. Blood drawn. Again, yuck.
  4. Apartment robbed. Stuff taken. Have to replace it. Feel scared in my own place. Starting to see the trend?
  5. AJ rocks. Even bad things have a good side and getting to see AJ step up and be there for me made things a lot better. Certainly helps with the trust issue :)
  6. Seeing my friends show who really cares.
  7. Seeing my parents. Having my daddy fix things to make me safe.
  8. Seeing that actions really do speak louder than words sometime, actually most of the time.
  9. Knowing that God kept me safe and has provided comfort for me.
  10. Worship at church that just rocked!
  11. Seeing that things might just work out after all.
  12. Getting to see the Stine and introducing my AJ to her :)
  13. Maybe getting a full nights sleep....

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Balancing Act

I am supposed to be in bed. I promised I would go to bed tonight earlier than I went to bed last night, but I am not so sure that is going to happen. I have got thoughts running through my mind that are going to make it hard to turn it off if I go lay down. I really need to find that off switch. Maybe I can use the one that the guy in Pi used. That seem to work really well for shutting off his math ability, maybe it would work for my thinking ability.

I spent the night hanging out with Kelly. I think it was a good use of not going to homegroup. I got to catch up with her and also get filled in on all the information that is happening in the "ferret" club. WOW! They are a complicated bunch.

r zn wrhzkklrmgvw vevm gslfts r szev ml irtsg gl yv. gsrmth ziv zmmlbrmt nv. r szev ml xlmglo levi gsvn. gszg uifghfuzgvh nl. r wlmg xziv zylfg nkvootmt. r dzmg a wzgr mrtsg zmw gszg rhmg szzkkvmrmt uli z olmt dsrov zg ovzhg z xlfkov lu dvvph. zits!

I have reverted to a past time. Oh well. That took more brain power than it should have, but I was doing computer biology today and that saps energy and brain power. It is very useful, but very boring and time consuming.

Off to bed to hopefully sleep.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Thoughts of Randomness

  1. I like list. They make everything look organized even when it isn't.
  2. I have a friend that is with child, but not in the happily married kinda way. It is really odd. Actually the whole situation is odd, the guy who helped make it, the whole lead up to and during their relationship, and following the whole evolution online. The grandparents have not been told, because at least on his end his parents don't think he is having pre-marital sex... if they only knew what this guy has done and the destruction it has caused in 7 months.
  3. I am really hungry. I hope Chris and Alicia show up with food soon. Then we can head to Orlando!
  4. Computer biology is annoying. Not because of the thoughtlessness of it, but because the software is crap. It does not work on any logical basis.
  5. I like my AJ. He makes me very happy.
  6. The bouncing bruise has mostly gone away... well I hope it has, otherwise riding coasters tomorrow is going to hurt.
  7. We still need to buy a notebook for theme park stats.
  8. Seeing a guy on a unicycle made me chuckle. I can't even begin to imagine the level of balance it would take to use one.
  9. Pi the movie is still as odd as I remember.
  10. It is cold in Gainesville.
  11. Next Friday I have a date with my Stine - YIPPIE!
  12. Food is here!!!

Mimsy were the Borogroves.

The Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
'Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!'
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
'And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Lewis Carrol wrote this poem in his story Alice In Wonderland. It was cool there, but when it is used in science fiction it is even cooler. Mimsy were the Borogroves is a short story that made me go wow!

Background stolen from other places so I don't have to explain it:
  • "In 1943, Henry Kuttner, writing as Lewis Padgett, published a science fiction short story called Mimsy were the Borogoves in the magazine Astounding, which has since been republished in several anthologies. It posits that the poem is actually a communication with hidden meaning from the future." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jabberwocky
  • "The title of the story, of course, is taken from Lewis Carroll's "Jaberwocky". According to this story, it was actually written by Alice herself and is not just a poem but a mathematical formula with which one can travel to bizarre alternate realities. How does she know this? Well, of course, Alice discovered one of the boxes of toys from the future!" http://math.cofc.edu/kasman/MATHFICT/mfview.php?callnumber=mf300


I guess the best reason I can think of for naming my blog this is the second point, "a formula to travel to bizarre alternate realities." I guess anyone who knows me and knows the way I think doesn't really need a better explanation than that. My thought patterns are normally erratic and often odd. I am perfectly ok with that, considering the alternative at this point would to be insane and though I might joke about that I honestly don't think I am much crazier than the next person.

I am tired of having my blog on myspace... I don't always want stuff posted there, and I am tired of having people whine at me when I decide to lock down one of my blogs. Not everything needs to be seen by everyone. I guess I will see how well this works and how happy it makes me to have my thoughts floating around. I want some people to be able to see them, but I still want my privacy and safety.